Noname
by blackphanthom
Summary: When you lost a wife you are a widow... when you lost a parent you become an orphan....but when you lost a son...there isnt a name for that..
1. madness

DISCLAIMER:..As you know... that family isnt mine...

A/N: In this story arc... Jhon isnt dead.

"_**...When you lost a wife... you are a widow...**_

_**...when you lost a parent... you become an orphan...**_

_**but...when you lost a son... is so painful than even hasnt a name..."**_

_**NONAME**_

The things arent supposed to be in this form... he fights so hard , he leaves all he had in order to continue with his crusade... and after 23 years ... the moment he faces his worst enemy, and thinks than at least he won... but... just in that moment... he knows that he lost all.

The end begins one night when he knocks at his sons motel's door, Dean his eldest open and after making a choking face, throw his arms at him and give him a big hug... he now remember how light he can feels right in there.. Dean always happen to have that effect in him... no matter how hard or heavy is the burden he was carrying, when his son talk to him or hug him, all the problems seems to disappear...

"_Hello boys.."_- he tell to his sons, and behind Dean he can spot his Sammy, shy as always, but mysteriously dangerous if the kid decide to do so.

Sam give him a hard look, but after Dean pull a face at him, Sam relax and hug his father...Oh..oh.!! his kids are reconecting... talking without words, and sharing thoughs...Jhon knows by experience that, this can be dangerous... even if he was so happy because his sons are together again, he knows that in this stage... Sammy only will hear at Dean, only wil recognize Dean authorite over him... and Dean...well!he will be thinking first and end in Sammy... and that...that make him feel like an outsider.

He then tell his sons about the demon.. and how they can finally destroy it... they embarks in the search for the thing... not before Sammy pulls a few strings in his father, making him a lot of questions.. and ...as usual his older son calls at order at the young man.

Like a family, they share a week, traveling, crossing the country to find the monster, he laughs at his boys banters and feels happy like he dont feels in long time ago.

"_Daad!! Sammy is being an ass!!!..._

"_That s because your are being a jerk..."_

"_::Bitch..."_

"_Boys"..._

God!! How he cant see happiness in front of his nose, his boys are strong, handsome and braves... why he cant learn to stop in time...

When they arrive to the marked place, they fight a feral battle, killing demons, and fighting for their lives, at the end, he thinks that their had won... they just had to kill that bastard... and its done... his lifes war will be over...But he made a big mistake... that damm thing was powerful and stronger that they think.

"_Oh!! poor Jhon...you really think that you can kill me... with your weird guns and spells...FOOL!!, you dont know that Im older that the world...I see your stupid human kind born... and I will destroy it one day..."_

And with a swipe of the things hands, he and his sons were pinned to the wall, in the blink of an eye...

"_But..I need to thank you... you brought me the most precious prize... you brought your own son to his sacrifice..._

"_Dont you dare to touch my sons ... bastard"_

"_Tsk..tsk..tsk..!!There is not need to be harsh Jhonny... you know... you always know that little Sammy was special, since he was born, thats the reason because you are afraid of him"_

"_Its you how need to be afraid of us...asshole.." _He can hear his elder son talking with a venom voice

"_You know Dean, all the things in this universe had a balance... The ying and yang...good and bad...God and..., but every couple of years the good Lord make a move and send a gift to the earth,.. a pure, gentle and special soul... a "light being" _say the demon with a smirk

"_You was so dammed lucky, because you had the gift for a long time, nurturing and protect him... isnt it Sammy??, your dad and bro, make a lot of things to protect you, you must be dead 23 years ago,I give you a lot of chances since then... even I try to adopt you... but you... angelical soul...prefer death over evil life... so be it..."_

Jhon was full of panic , he felt lost, the thing know what to do... they fell in the tramp,, he brought his baby to the evils altar.

"_Oh Jhon...dont feel so guilty... you and Dean made a great job raising Sammy... he is the stronget angel... and the one who can save the world and destroy me...but... unfortunely.. the redentor angels dont live pass the 33 years old, just ask Christo..._

"_Do you remember Christo...Sammy??"_

What happened next was the worse nightmare for Jhon and Dean... for like seems an eternity , the demon torture and hurt his baby, limb by limb the monster hurt his son, killing him slowly just in front of their eyes.

Lasts Sammy words were for him and Dean... so full of love and forgivness... with his last breath Sam smile to his brother and then like a torch, he light himself in flames, taking the demon with him in the middle of horrible screams... after the blinding light goes... they were free, and they can see in the floor, the charred form of their beloved angel...their angel was dead...

Now he is here, broughing flowers and stuffed animals to his sons grave... Jim say to him, that God works in very strange forms... but this... this ..he cant understand this...he lost his two sons...because, even if Sammy was the one buried in the tomb... Dean was in denial since that tragic day... he dont even come to Sammys funeral... he just keep talking about the things he will do with his baby brother when he come back for Stanford... talking to him... like Sam is still alive...cleaning the Impala, because his brother will be making a travel with him... they will go to the Grand Canyon, he said...buying Sams favorite coffee and food in every restaurant and gas station they stop... and keeping Sammys clothes in his own duffel bag...

Yes... that night he lost his two sons... one in the hands of death... and the other in the hands of madness and pain...

_**SAMMY WINCHESTER  
**_

_**1983 2006**_

_**BELOVED SON AND BROTHER**_

_**We miss you angel**_

When he lost his beloved Mary, he become a widow... now he lost his son... and for that... for that there isnt a name...

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

This is short and just a one shot that keep nagging me all the day... I want to write Deans POV, but I think this become so sad and depressed,.. that now Im not so sure...Tell me what you think...

OH...BTW... Forgive to kill sweet Sammy...

Please read and review


	2. Living with the half of your soul

USUAL DISCLAIMERS: They dont belong to me...

A/N: Uupps!! Im very sorry... I was writing John's name hundreds of times... and just in this ... I made the dumbass mistakes... Im so sorry for that... and thanks for the people to let me know about that

This is Dean POV... about losing his beloved brother... and how I think he will react to something like that...anyone of us.. after losing a loved one,can pass for this five stages defined like grief...

Warning: Some swearing and bad words... but I think that they are needed to express the feeling

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PREVIOUSLY

John was full of panic , he felt lost, the thing know what to do... they fell in the tramp,, he brought his baby to the evils altar.

"_Oh John...dont feel so guilty... you and Dean made a great job raising Sammy... he is the stronget angel... and the one who can save the world and destroy me...but... unfortunely.. the redentor angels don live pass the 33 years old, just ask Christo..._

"_Do you remember Christo...Sammy??"_

What happened next was the worse nightmare for John and Dean... for like seems an eternity , the demon torture and hurt his baby, limb by limb the monster hurt his son, killing him slowly just in front of their eyes.

Lasts Sammy words were for him and Dean... so full of love and forgivness... with his last breath Sam smile to his brother and then like a torch, he light himself in flames, taking the demon with him in the middle of horrible screams... after the blinding light goes... they were free, and they can see in the floor, the charred form of their beloved angel...their angel was dead...

Now he is here, broughing flowers and stuffed animals to his sons grave... Jim say to him, that God works in very strange forms... but this... this ..he cant understand this...he lost his two sons...because, even if Sammy was the one buried in the tomb... Dean was in denial since that tragic day... he dont even come to Sammys funeral... he just keep talking about the things he will do with his baby brother when he come back for Stanford... talking to him... like Sam is still alive...cleaning the Impala, because his brother will be making a travel with him... they will go to the Grand Canyon, he said...buying Sams favorite coffee and food in every restaurant and gas station they stop... and keeping Sammys clothes in his own duffel bag...

Yes... that night he lost his two sons... one in the hands of death... and the other in the hands of madness and pain...

oOooOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

"**LIVING WITHOUT HALF OF YOUR SOUL"**

**1.- DENIAL**

...One month... one entire month since the day than that blinding light take Sammy... he was just expecting, every day to his brother call or coming, but as usual Sammy is taking his time, he even call Sam's cell phone a couple of times but obviously the kid is pretty busy because he dont even answer the phone... his Sammy.. little cub.. maybe he is enjoying himself with that blond chick he has... What's her name...??...Jessica...anyway he is the big brother and will be expectig Sam for make that great trip, just the two of them... even if his dad was mad at him for being talking about Sam all the time...Come on!! he is his brother!! No matter what the kid does, he always will be there for him...his dad need to learn to forget... and love that kid like he deserves.

"Dean...What are you doing now????...--Speaking of evil!!

"Cleaning the car, I will go to California, old man!!"

"_Oh my God, come on Dean... come back to me son!!_" Think John passing a callous hand over his tired face... Dean was keeping doing this for a long time

"Why do you need to go to California???"

" I will become an actor!! What do you think Dad?? I will go to see Sammy... the little shit isn't answering the phone... so... I need to go to shake his head a little!

"Dean...!"

"No , dad."-- Dean raise his hand to stop his father rambling .."He is your baby son, come on!! dont tell me that you aren't worried about him"

"Dean, come on, your brother is..."

":...Is mad at you, as usual... I know that old man.. , but you need to be tolerant, the kid is growning up, but he still can made tantrums"

"Dean, I dont believe that you understand.."

"No, Dad... four weeks, I dont talk to him since four weeks ago, and last time; we talked about making a trip, he will take me to Hollywood and show me all the hot chicks he knows!! even Jess agreed with that!"

"Jess???"

"Sammy's girlfriend... dad..that's old news..!!"

Dean began to put things in the Impala, John need to act quick, he sadly knows what to do... Since Sam's death, Dean had a lot of this "episodes", so he need to play his part...

"You're right ! Come on son!! lets go packing a couple of your old man things... lets go to visit your brother..." and throwing an arm over Dean's shoulders they walked to Jim's house...

oOooOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

**2.- RAGE**

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?????"

Dean's fierce scream startled John, who was silent folding Sam's clothes and putting them in a box..

"Good morning to you too son!!"

"Dont give me that crap!! What are you doing with Sammy's clothes??"

"Jim will gonna take them to the shelter Dean,there are a lot of people who can use them.."

Dean snatched for his father hands Sam's jacket... "Really?? and what do you think Sam will be wear when he come back... a leaf???!!"

"Dean your brother will not come back..."

"DONT YOU DARE... OLD MAN... DONT YOU DARE TO SAY THAT!!!!"

"Come on Dean, you need to face it... Sam is gone "

"HE WILL COME BACK, HE PROMISED, HE ALWAYS FULFILL HIS PROMISES!!"

"Dean your brother goes six weeks ago, and he cant come back... not this time son.."

John was surprised for his son's rage, who took him and pinned him to the nearest wall, yelling at him with fire in his eyes.

"HOW DO YOU DARE... DONT YOU DARE TO TALK ABOUT SAMMY LIKE THAT. YOU DONT KNOW HIM ENOUGHT!!! I KNOW HIM!! AND HE IS... HE IS..."

"He is gone Dean..."

"NO...NO...YOU DONT HAVE THE RIGHT...YOU CANT QUIT ON HIM...YOU HEAR ME!!!"

John can see Jim at the bedroom's door with a syringe in hand, ready to another of Dean's rage attacks, he shakes his head at the priest... they need to do this... no matter how painful can be ..."

"Dean...Sammy loves you so much..."

"LOVE ME...LOVE ME ...??? THAT STUPID SOB IS A SELFISH BASTARD WHO ONLY THINKS IN HIMSELF... THAT'S ALL!!!"

"Sammy adores the floor in where you step Dean, you were his life..."

"HE IS  MY LIFE ...ALL... ALL MY FING LIFE I SPEND IT RAISING THE LITTLE PRICK... AND FOR WHAT...???... JUST FOR HE DECIDE ONE DAY THAT HE WANTS A DIFFERENT LIFE, WITHOUT ME...WELL!!! YOU KNOW ONE THING , I DONT CARE!!! THAT KID ISN'T WORTHWHILE... AND WHEN HE COMES BACK , IM GONNA BREAK HIS PRETTY FACE WITH MY BARE HANDS..."

"Dean, he will not come back... he cant son... but he dont wants to see you like this..."

"I DONT CARE WHAT HE WANTS , YOU HEAR ME... HE DONT HAVE THE RIGHT!! THAT SOB DONT HAVE THE RIGHT TO GO AND LEAVE ME ALONE IN HERE... HE DONT HAVE THE RIGHT... AND I HATE HIM FOR THAT... I HATE YOU SAM... I HATE YOU STUPID LITTLE BROTHER...I HATE YOU..!!!"

Dean was passing like a cagged animal the bedroom, throwing Sam's things for all over the place, screaming and swearing at his dead brother's name... but there isn't a single tear in his eyes... Jim approachs him and plunges the needle in his arms in order for make him rest.

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**3.- NEGOTIATION**

"Of all your stupid ideas this is the worts of all Dean!!!"

"What are you doing here... cant you leave me alone for a moment , old man???"

"No, when you are doing stupids things at midnight...Come on we are leaving"

"DONT TOUCH ME!!...You can go if you want... I have a job in here.."

"Which work Dean... which work can you have in a crossroad in the middle of the night??"

"Please dad...just...just go...I need to do this...please!!"

"Do what?? A deal with the demon??? A deal with the same thing who tooks your brother??"

"You dont understand , he can give us 10 years dad... 10 years in what we can see Sammy grown up and be happy... we can be the Winchester family again... please dad... please...!!!"

John Winchester look in the pleading eyes of his son... and remember in them the brave and sweet eyes of his Sammy...God if he can have is baby son again...!!!!!!

oOooOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

Kind of cliffy... well this happen to turn very large... so I want to post it in two parts.. tomorrow I will continue with the two last stages of Dean's grief.

Please tell me what you think... I was trying very hard to balance the human and the supernatural factor... so please... drop me a line... and let me hear you...

Im being repetitive here... but all the mistakes are mine... its my fault for grown in acountr where the spanish is the official language...


	3. Healing

UUPPSS!! Sorry...sorry..and sorry again... I make a dumbass finger mistake last night... I edit chapter two and send it... and think that I was post chapter three too... obviously.. I dont do it...I fall sleep over my laptop... sorry, please excuse for the stupid mistake... BTW,, let me tell you something...be a boss...sucks!!!( Im dead tired now...)

DISCLAIMERS: STIL... I JUST MY IMAGINATION... THEY ARENT MINE

A/N: Here is the next part of this sad story... I hope you enjoy the reading, as much as I enjoy the writing... Forgive me again for killing beautiful Sam... and for my horrible grammar.

OoooOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

**HEALING**

"_You dont understand he can give us 10 years... dad... 10 years in that we can see Sammy grown up and be happy... we can be the Winchester family again..."_

"_...God, if he can have his baby son again..."_

_oOooOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO_

Dean's eyes seems so delirious, that not for the first time, John feels that his unique son is going crazy...

"Dean, No...this isnt what your brother wants... he... he sacrifices himself for us...you cant make him this... this is just gonna hurt Sammy... you dont want to hurt Sammy...do you Dean??"...--low blow, John know for sure that he was playing dirty against his son, but he needed to do something.

"I WANT HIM HERE!! I NEED HIM HERE!! I CANT BREATH!! I DONT KNOW HOW TO LIVE WITHOUT HIM...AND I DONT WANT DAD..!!!!!!! ---And with that, Dean storms away, and climbing in his car , go far away of his dad and the magic crossroad...

"_Saint Mary, Mother of God.. pry for us the sinners , now and in the hour of our death.. Amen"..._"Please God, I know that Im not the best of your sons...I made a lot of mistakes and very.. very bad things, but I was just trying to protect the people and my family... and...anyway, I dont have other thing to give you that my own life...please God!.. take my life.. and brought my brother back...I...I just...I just want to see him once... just to be sure that he is alright...Come on God!! I give you my life...a life that isn't whort it without Sam...just let me see my brother again... please I need to see my brother again..."

Father Jim feels his heart shatter hearing Dean's pleas; day after day... sometimes in pain and others in rage, the young man never stops to ask God for retrieve his baby brother to him, but unfortunely, that's not gonna happen...

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**4.- DEPRESSION**

Dean was in a mission...searching all the house like a mad man...

"Where is it..?? Where in hell is it..??"

"Dean...???"

"I cant loose it..!!" Jim..?? Where I leave it ??...Where I put it????"

"Son...If you say me what are you looking for...maybe I can help you!!"

"Sam...Sam's jacket, the brown one...the one he was wearing the day before...he...he..goes"

"Sam's jacket??...I think your father took it for laundry maybe he...!!"

"WHAT...?? ..NO...He can wash the jacket.. is clean... its Sam's...DAD"

"In here.."

"Where do you take it... where is it...where ..??"

"Where is what... what the hell are you talking about.??"

"Sam's jacket... where is it?? Give it to me ... NOW!!"

"Hey!! chill out!! Dean...is over there ... in the clean clothes hamper..."

"Y..yy..you wash it...!!!!! Why??!!"

"Because was dirty.."

"No, no, isnt dirty... is clean... !!" Dean was sounding like a four years old in the middle of a temper tantrum..

"Dean come on... you sleept with that thing beside you every night... believe me it was dirty..."

Dean was throwing away cleen clothes in a mad search for his beloved jacket... when he found it, his eyes shine with like seems joy... and inmediatly, he put the piece of cloth in front of his nose and smell deep...what happen after leave John deeply surprised.

"NOOOOO:... You take it away...You moron!!! You take it away...!" Dean was walking franticly along the room, with Sam's jacket cradled in his hands, smelling it constantly.

"Take away what.. Dean... what are you talking about..??"

"The...the...smell...you take away...Sammy smell...you take it away...!!"and walking to his room, Dean locked himself in there... and start to talking with his missing brother...

"Dean open the damm door right now..!!"John was pounding at his son bedroom's door.

"John..."Father Jim put his hand over John arms... "Maybe this is the moment..."

John just gave him a confused look..."The moment..??...until now...?? Come on Sammy dies three months ago!!"

Father Jim just can shrug his shoulders at John... he knows that some of the griefing process of a beloved one... can take months... even years...

"_Forgive me Sammy... its not my fault... I dont see him, taking your things...It wasnt my fault...please just dont leave me ... come on... Sammy... talk to me...dont be mad at me...Sammy!!"_

"God! Jim, finally he is going crazy...!!"

"Just wait and listen.. John... he needs to make this..."

"_Sammy??? ...Hey there you are...you scare me bitch... ...Sam??? ...what the ...?? are you gonna play hide and seek..??... Look I have it in here... here is your jacket... but our dumbass dad wash it... you will need to wear it again... no??..why not Sammy?... you know that is the only way I can fall sleep and talk to you at night...? Come on Sammy, just one more time...Hey!! I still have in here a bottle of your girly after shave... I can put a little in your jacket..?? what do you say..? we can try it???..._

_...There you go...!!do you see Sammy...but still... no smell like before... come on kid.. dont make me beg...Sam???...Sammy???..._

_...come on.. just sit in here... where I can see you..!..._

_What..?? Ah! Sure I remember that... Ja, ja!! Sammy, but that was your fault... you start the pranks...Ja,ja,ja!! Yeah! I remember that time in the Impala... do you remember it ??? Hey!! I even took you a pic...Oh!! but I lost my cell in the accident, anyway... you look so funny with that spoon hanging by your open mouth...What...?? Hey dude!! you almost leave my hand without skin with your crazy glue...yeah!! Its a lot of funny see you twisting around... and your face Sammy... that was priceless...Ja..ja...ja!!!!!!!!!!!!_

Half and hour later, Dean keeps talking with "his brother" and John become anxious minute after minute, just sitting in there, hearing the crazy rambling of his son...Dean passed the last fifteen minutes laughing like he was heaving a very fun time, name it his brother every time... and talking about memories and good moments they share while they are growning...

"_Do you remeber Dad's face Sammy??... he was just so mad...I think that he gonna spanks us 'till death that time... Yey!! Ja, ja !!..._

_What do you mean ?? How... Why do you need to leave...no...you cant leave... not now...come on... ...You little shit!!! you're joking, aren't you ?? Yes..! Oh sammy!! Ja,ja,ja,ja,ja,ja,!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

Some in Dean laughing began to turn hysteric...He was whispering now and making low noises, laughing and crying at the same time...suddenly the hysteric laughing become heart wrenching cries, Dean was even kicking the floor... so big is his pain...

"Aaaaaaarghhh...aaaaahhhhhhh!...John can take anymore of his son's heart broken cries, God, his son can die for a broken heart...He dont remember how, but he was pounding at the door, yelling his son name.

"Dean... son...please..let me help you...Dean..."

"Aaaaaaahhh...aaaahhhhh..." Dean was gasping for breath... and crying his heart out.

"Oh my God!! Dean, let me in... please...Im gonna throw this door if you dont open now...DEAN!!"

"John" Jim's voice make him stop just before he kick the door..."Not in this form... John... talk to him..."

"He isn't listen to me...he dont want to listen me...!!!

"You need to reach your son..John... you cant loose him too"

Dean crazy sobs and cries can still be heard behind the door, he keep kicking the floor and screaming in rage and pain...he need to make something.. and need to make it quick.

"Son...please... Im in here... I...I...God!! Dean I love him too... I love your brother with all my heart too... and I was just trying to survive... because you are my son too... and you need me...We can grief your brother's dead together Dean... please son ... Im suffering here ...Im dying here... If you want to go with Sammy... just please son... take me with you... I want to be with the two of you... dont leave alone Dean... take me with you..." John is sobbing with his head against the door... he feels like his body was just turned to the inside out... the pain is suffocating him ...

Suddenly the bedroom's door open and they can see Dean standing inside, with Sam's jacket craddled in his chest, like he is carrying a baby , his eyes full of tears and puffy

"Dean??.."

"Dean...?? John ask for a second time..

When Dean raise his head, his father can see the most painful and desolated look on them.. like his son is completly lost and totally confused ... he remember it John his traumatized five years old little Dean the first night after his mother dead.

"Son??"

"Dad...he...he...is...gone..." Dean made a great sob..." Sammy is gone... dad... and...and he isnt come back..."

John embrace his son , and just in that moment is like a river of pain, rage and grief was open... and father and son, blended in a strong hug... share their pain and cry together for Sam's death.

God!!! I start this like a oneshot... and look at my now...just one more chapter to go...I hope that this one dont make you get bore... I know that maybe the scene in the bedroom , seems long and insane crazy... but believe me... the pain is like a steam bomb... and if you dont release it...well!!!...

Please , tell me what you think...' till tomorrow final chapter...thanks a lot for the reading.


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